


Covalent - Well, That Was Pointless.

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Series: Covalent Bonds [6]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pesterlog, Pointless, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Snark, Trollstuck, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 07:36:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-- undyingUmbrage [uu] started trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --</p><p>uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS uP. WITH THIS CHAT CLIENT.<br/>uu: TROLLING IS FOR LOSERS. WHERE IS THE JEERING OPTION. <br/>CT: D --> I beg your pardon<br/>CT: D --> Who the heck are you and why are you on my chumproll in the first place with your l00dicrous and despicable hemoanonymity<br/>uu: I COuLD ASK YOu THE EXACT SAME FuCKING THING.<br/>uu: BuT I WON'T. BECAuSE I'M NOT A DuMBASS.<br/>uu: AND I ALREADY ASKED DIRK WHO THE FuCK YOu WERE. AND WHY YOu WERE ON MY CHuMPROLL. </p><p>--<br/>This will make negative sense if you have not been reading the previous fics in the series, especially Oasis Reunion. Not that it makes a ton of sense with it, mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Covalent - Well, That Was Pointless.

**Author's Note:**

> I dunno if it’s worth much as a fic -- i liked some of the lines a lot but i don’t know how strong it is as a whole piece. but it’s finished and it amused me, so up it goes.
> 
> i've got other fics in progress for this 'verse, i just have no idea if/when they'll come out. we'll all get to find out together!

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] started trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --

uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS uP. WITH THIS CHAT CLIENT.   
uu: TROLLING IS FOR LOSERS. WHERE IS THE JEERING OPTION.   
CT: D --> I beg your pardon   
CT: D --> Who the heck are you and why are you on my chumproll in the first place with your l00dicrous and despicable hemoanonymity   
uu: I COuLD ASK YOu THE EXACT SAME FuCKING THING.   
uu: BuT I WON'T. BECAuSE I'M NOT A DuMBASS.   
uu: AND I ALREADY ASKED DIRK WHO THE FuCK YOu WERE. AND WHY YOu WERE ON MY CHuMPROLL.   
CT: D --> Why are you then   
CT: D --> Ah, let me hazard a guess   
uu: GAME SHENANIGANS.   
CT: D --> Game shenanigans   
uu: WHY ARE YOu REPEATING WHAT I JuST SAID. ARE YOu THAT STuPID. TOO STuPID FOR ORIGINAL THOuGHT?   
CT: D --> I was not   
CT: D --> We merely came to the same conclusion at the same time and you happened not to have to type up a bow first   
uu: OH. IT'S A BOW.   
uu: I THOuGHT IT MIGHT BE YOuR TROLLISH PENIS.   
uu: DIRK uSED TO DRAW STRANGE NONSENSICAL THINGS LIKE THAT. WHEN HE THOuGHT I WASN'T WATCHING.   
uu: FOOL. I AM ALWAYS WATCHING.   
CT: D --> What is a penis   
CT: D --> No, it does not matter, no doubt it is silly and irrelevant   
CT: D --> Why have you contacted me   
uu: DIRK PROMISED. THAT HE WOuLD TALK TO ME JuST AS LONG. AS I TALKED TO OTHER PEOPLE. WHO WERE NOT MY COW OF A SISTER.   
uu: I THINK YOu WILL FIND. THAT I EXCEL IN THE ARTS OF CIVILIZED CONVERSATION.   
CT: D --> I fail to see why you sh00ld engage in them with me   
uu: YOu WERE THE LEAST OFFENSIVE. ON ACCOuNT OF MY NOT KNOWING YOu.   
uu: ALSO THE ONLY ONE ONLINE. WHO WAS NOT A HIDEOuS SHADE OF GREEN.   
uu: SO.   
uu: WHAT IS IT LIKE. BEING uGLY. AND A TROLL. WITH FREAKISH BLuE BLOOD.   
CT: D --> Ah, yes   
CT: D --> I find the fog of sleepiness lifted at last   
CT: D --> You are the shrill and puny larval form of our enemy   
uu: EXCuSE YOu.   
CT: D --> A being so petty he sought to break everything he could not own   
CT: D --> Admirable trait in a troll   
uu: I AM NATuRALLY ADMIRABLE. AND GLORIOuS.   
CT: D --> If one isn't a grote%e mutant-blooded mistake of course   
uu: WAIT. I AM NOT. A FuCKING TROLL AT ALL!   
CT: D --> You might not have been hatched one   
CT: D --> But denial will get you nowhere   
CT: D --> It is what you are now   
CT: D --> A low, wretched excuse for a troll, but a troll all the same   
CT: D --> The swill in your veins is what it is, but so is its vessel   
CT: D --> Throwing tantrums about it will not change the truth of it   
uu: I AM NOT. A TROLL.   
CT: D --> You are indeed a troll   
uu: NO.   
CT: D --> Yes   
uu: NO.   
CT: D --> Yes   
uu: FuCKING NO.   
CT: D --> Fu   
CT: D --> Fudging yes   
uu: NO!!   
CT: D --> Yes   
uu: I AM. NOT. A MOTHERFuCKING TROLL!!!   
CT: D --> You are   
CT: D --> You possess gray skin and horns on a trolloid body shape   
CT: D --> Your body is that of a granted rather diminutive male of the troll species   
CT: D --> You are a troll   
CT: D --> You would do best to a%ept it   
uu: NO I WOuLD NOT!!!   
CT: D --> Yes   
uu: THIS IS STuPID.   
CT: D --> Yes   
uu: NO!   
CT: D --> I was agreeing with you about the idiocy of this futile e%ercise   
uu: OH.   
uu: WELL. GOOD.   
CT: D --> Good   
CT: D --> If there is no other conversation you wish to have I will go back to sleep   
uu: WAIT.   
CT: D --> Why   
uu: BECAuSE. I COMMAND IT.   
CT: D --> You are an abomination   
CT: D --> Why sh00ld you get to command me   
uu: BECAuSE I AM YOuR OBVIOuS SuPERIOR IN ALL THINGS. IS WHY.   
uu: AND THAT OTHER ABOMINATION COMMANDS YOu JuST FINE. HYPOCRITE.   
CT: D --> What   
uu: THAT SCRAWNY. SHOuTY ASSHOLE. WITH THE ALMOST TOLERABLE HORNS.   
CT: D --> You refer to Vantas and his borderline lack of such I presume   
uu: SEE. YOu ARE NOT INCuRABLY STuPID.   
uu: JuST MOSTLY SO.   
CT: D --> Vantas is indeed an abomination   
CT: D --> A remarkably   
CT: D --> Forceful one   
CT: D --> Your STRENGTH of personality might be a match   
CT: D --> Your loudness and lewdness certainly are   
CT: D --> Those are not the same things   
uu: WHAT THE SHIT DO YOu EVEN MEAN.   
CT: D --> That Vantas has proved himself worthy as a leader   
CT: D --> And that you have not   
CT: D --> Though you certainly have proved yourself as our enemy   
CT: D --> I am willing to reserve judgment mostly so long as you keep your distances and do not force me to acknowledge your repulsive e%istence   
CT: D --> Am I making myself clear   
uu: WHY SHOuLD I CARE. WHAT YOu'RE WILLING TO RESERVE OR NOT.   
uu: YOu HAVE OBVOuSLY NEVER BEEN SuBJECTED TO MY MASTERFuL LEADERSHIP.   
uu: YOu WILL LEARN.   
CT: D --> Are you suggesting that it is in any way a possibility that I will one day be working under you   
uu: SEE. INTELLIGENCE. SOME OF IT.   
uu: I WILL ONE DAY HAVE MY CLAWED FOOT ON YOuR STuPID NECK. IT IS PuRE FACT.   
uu: YOu MIGHT BE ALIVE TO SERVE ME. OR YOu MIGHT BE AN uGLY MANGLED CORPSE.   
CT: D --> Is this a quadrant solicitation   
uu: A WHAT.   
CT: D --> Never mind   
uu: I AM VERY GENEROuS. SO I WON'T.   
uu: NOW WHERE WERE WE.   
uu: KEEP LISTENING TO ME. SO THAT I MAY FORCE DIRK TO LISTEN TO ME LATER. HE PROMISED ME THAT LONG.   
CT: D --> Has it occurred to you that I might simply decide to log out, and there is nothing you may do to stop me   
uu: NO!   
uu: YOu OWE ME FOR BEING THE MOST BORING IDIOT I EVER TYPED AT.   
CT: D --> May I suggest you try your luck with someone else   
CT: D --> Maryam for example is still awake at this ungodly hour and is generally of a pleasant, patient disposition   
CT: D --> You should be in possession of her trolltag   
CT: D --> It is grimAu%iliatri%   
uu: THERE IS NO ONE CALLED THAT IN MY LIST.   
CT: D --> Can you not read a simple substitution quirk   
CT: D --> She is the one situated between arsenicCatnip (who you shan't contact ever) and gallowsCalibrator   
uu: OH.   
uu: FuCK NO! I AM SO DONE WITH GREEN BITCHES.   
uu: AND BITCHES IN GENERAL. BuT ESPECIALLY GREEN ONES. THEY'RE THE CRAZIEST.   
CT: D --> You have already e%perienced the threat of her chainsaw then   
CT: D --> A pity   
uu: NO I HAVE NOT.   
CT: D --> Yes you have   
uu: NO.   
CT: D --> Yes   
uu: NO.   
CT: D --> Yes   
uu: THIS THING YOU DO WITH YOuR POSTS REALLY DOES RESEMBLE A HuMAN PENIS.   
uu: ALSO, NO.   
CT: D --> What on Alternia is a penis   
CT: D --> Also yes   
uu: I DON'T KNOW. ASK DIRK. IT HAD A TON OF OTHER STuPID NAMES BuT FuCK IF I CAN REMEMBER THEM ALL.   
CT: D --> More alien nonsense no doubt   
CT: D --> E%tremely irrelevant nowadays, so I shan't bother a%ing   
CT: D --> I am going back to sleep   
uu:  NO YOU FuCKING AREN'T.   
uu: YOu SHOuLD BE PATHETICALLY GRATEFuL THAT I AM PAYING ATTENTION TO YOu AT ALL.   
uu: AND NOT EVEN IN A PARTICuLARLY MuRDEROuS WAY. YET.   
CT: D --> It has come to my mind that you might perhaps be practicing your caliginous flirting   
CT: D --> Is that what you are doing   
CT: D --> This is vile   
CT: D --> I order you to stop   
uu: MY WHAT.   
CT: D --> Your   
CT: D --> Urgh   
CT: D --> Concupiscent hate flirting   
uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS A CONCuPISCENT.   
CT: D --> Vile se%ual desires   
CT: D --> Replace the % with the appropriate %-looking letter   
uu: WHAT??   
uu: NO!   
uu: FUCK NO, THAT IS DISGuSTING. I HATE YOu HARDLY AT ALL.   
CT: D --> That is not reassuring   
uu: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO WASTE MuCH TIME ON YOUR MuRDER YET.   
uu: JuST MAYBE A COuPLE OF KICKS TO YOuR CORPSE AFTERWARDS. THAT IS THE uPPER LIMIT.   
CT: D --> That is slightly better   
uu: WHO WOuLD WANT TO DO THOSE.   
uu: THINGS.   
uu: IN THIS BODY ANYWAYS??   
uu: MY FAT BITCH OF A SISTER TOLD ME. TROLLS DON'T HAVE A MATING FORM. AND HAVE THEIR LEWD PARTS ALWAYS OuT AND READY. THAT IS REVOLTING TO THE MAXIMuM. WHO WOuLD EVER SPARE A THOuGHT TO THOSE GROTESQuE SHENANIGANS??   
CT: D --> It occurs to me your age might not quite correspond to that of the rest of our cohort   
CT: D --> I admit the topic is indecorous to the e%treme but your rea%ion seems to me quite impasture   
CT: D --> I meant immature   
CT: D --> Apologies, this topic is quite flustering   
uu: IT IS NOT IMMA FuCKING TuRE TO NOT WANT TO WONDER. HOW TROLLS EVEN KNOW WHICH IS THE LOSER, BEARING MATE OF THE TWO. WHEN MY COW OF A SISTER MAKES ME READ uPSETTING STORIES WHERE FuCKING ROXY AND DIRK. DO **BOTH AT ONCE.**   
CT: D --> Fudge darn it   
CT: D --> I do not have enough towels in the whole hive for this

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] stopped trolling undyingUmbrage [uu] --

uu: HEY.   
uu: YOu COME BACK RIGHT THIS INSTANT.   
uu: WE HAVE NOT SPENT EVEN HALF ENOuGH TIME BONDING TOGETHER.   
uu: I ORDER YOu TO GET YOUR GROSS TROLL FACE BACK ON THE COMPuTER RIGHT NOW.   
CT: D --> Discourse with you feels like being inappropriately accosted by the ghost of a five sweeps old Vantas   
uu: WHAT.   
CT: D --> A less verbose, less all-encompassingly domineering ghost to boot   
CT: D --> I order you never to contact me again   
CT: D --> Or at least to complete the appropriate biology module first   
uu: I ORDER YOU TO STOP ORDERING ME AND TO OBEY MY PREVIOuS ORDER.   
uu: OR I WILL MuRDER YOu.   
uu: PLATONICALLY!!   
CT: D --> I am sure you are engaging in no denial whatsoever   
CT: D --> Somehow it is of no help when it comes to swallowing this conversation

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] blocked undyingUmbrage [uu] --

uu: HEY! THAT'S CHEATING.

\--

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] started trolling undyingUmbrage [uu] --

AC: :33 < hi cattyporn!!   
AC: :33 < whoops. i meant cattyborn.   
uu: ARE YOu ANOTHER GREEN BITCH.   
uu: GO AWAY.   
AC: :33 < *the kitty ignores the grumpy troll and finds a good spot to curl up on*   
AC: :33 < *she licks her paw disdainfurly and says, haha nope! i heard a kitten n33ded a crash course on two-legged hornbeast repurroduction*   
AC: :33 < *also she wants to make her furiend the sunset-maned hoofbeast happy, and she knows that so does the grumpy grub over here, no matter how much he grumps rudely about it!*   
uu: ARE YOu TALKING ABOuT ME.   
uu: I WANT NO SuCH THING.   
uu: WHY ARE YOu REFERRING TO ME AS A HOOFBEAST. WHAT EVEN IS A HOOFBEAST.   
AC: :33 < dirk is the hoofbeast, dummy! calleopard told me you've been stalking him for SW33PS and you don't even know he likes horses? that's not furry observant ://   
uu: OH. RIGHT. HE HAD THAT WEIRD TINY HORSE. I NEVER THOuGHT ABOuT IT.   
AC: :33 < maybe you *should* think more about it if you want to get anywhere! i don't think you can really care, but at least try to think of it as tactical infurmation.   
AC: :33 < nyow i am going to explain all about repurroduction to you!   
uu: OH FuCK NO.   
AC: :33 < oh fuck y33ssss.   
uu: I WILL CHEW OFF MY TYPING HANDS. AND ESCAPE.   
AC: :33 < *the kitty grins and her tongue lolls out*   
AC: :33 < and after that just to make dirk happy let's have a long nice talk about gr33n bitches and why you shouldn't threaten their moirails if you plan on sl33ping with both eyes closed efur again.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Well, That Was Pointless [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8737777) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




End file.
